This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
