she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
