Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They have beer where we have blood.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
