quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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