Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
