lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
