so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
