I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
