you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
