Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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