I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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