And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
