you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
