If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
