But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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