I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
