every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
