Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize