I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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