i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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