if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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