your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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