The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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