God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
