Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize