Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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