I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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