Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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