Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
