You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
