Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
