so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
