I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
