I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
