she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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