..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
