My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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