There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
