margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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