how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
