I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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