Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
