what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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