there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
