I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
