The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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