I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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