I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Who died my cat blue again?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize