so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
