I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
