I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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