I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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