I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
