The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
