This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
