I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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