1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
