Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
