I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
