i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
