Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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