my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
