FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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