Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
