I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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