ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I could fuck to npr.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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