please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
