I cannot find my penis.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
sex in a hospital.. check
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
