from now on my penis is your penis
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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